A Long Time Ago

December 2010

I got on and I didn't want to get off. But I didn't have a choice. I don't have a choice. I only go along with whatever you had decided. This is what it feels like to be left behind again, to be unwanted. To be forced to move on without a choice. This is what it feels like to know exactly what I needed to know.
The chance that maybe you might come back is gone. It was never there, I kid myself but at least it entertained me for a while. Now onto the real world. My heart, still broken from the last second, shatter yet again. It can break and shatter only so many times before there isn't any left, until there isn't any to pick up. It's so close. I want to be there. I don't want to feel for you or anyone in the future for that matter. Yet I know I will and it scares me.
I wish I had the machine from Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind. But then I would feel the heartbreak again anyways. We just put ourselves through the same thing over and over again. For what?
He was a part of me. He was ripped away. He still stayed inside of me. He continually is ripped away. And yet a part of me still had him. For what?  I just want it done and over. But it just continues to drag on and on.
He is gone. I must move on. And that is the lesson it all comes down to... yet again. Only one way to end the pain once and for all, to let it hit full force!